It's been a long while since I've posted. I struggle to even know where to start. Sometimes, words seem like an autumn breeze, swirling around us and taking us where it will, and then gone as quickly as it came.
That was almost poetic. The truth is, though, I've started to write multiple times in the past few months but never really had the words to say. I desperately wanted to convey all that was going on in our lives and in our hearts, but when I searched for words, there were none to be found. Writing has often been a solace to me through the years, whether through diaries, journaling, or now blogging. It gives me an opportunity to communicate what I'm feeling or learning in life and has really been such a beautiful time of reflection of how God is revealing Himself within the small moments of my days.
So what's different today? I can't really say. But tonight, I knew the time had come to write again. I'm sure you all know what I'm talking about. When God just tells you, "It's time."
The past several months have been what I would consider "roller coaster" months. One day we feel like we're on top of the world, the next day (or week) we feel like we're hitting rock bottom. I say "we" because my husband and I have both been going through it. Differently in some ways, other ways completely the same. It's been a blessing to know that your spouse truly does know what you're going through. I wish he wasn't having to go through it, of course, but it's been a blessing in disguise.
We've also been so blessed to walk this out with close friends of ours that have been so gracious through all of our ups and downs and shown us patience and kindness in spite of our, often rotten, attitudes. But despite all their compassion, words of encouragement, tears, prayers, etc... we've still managed to feel absolutely awful so much of the time. We've been tired. So tired. Emotionally and mentally drained. Spiritually struggling, feeling alone in our battles much of the time. I imagine this is what wandering through the wilderness felt like. Well, maybe to just a small degree.
We all go through these seasons, where you're completely spent. And nothing seems to be going right. One hit after another after another comes your way, and you're just wondering when you're going to get a time out. You're praying for a time out. We've felt so selfish and guilty for struggling with life the way we have. We know there are people who are dealing with far worse conditions than we have. We know that some people would happily give up their struggles to come deal with our petty issues anytime. But these petty issues have been real to us. And God is using them. He's been using this time of rest, and unrest, to do a work in us. Isn't that just like Him? Making beauty from ashes. He's pretty amazing like that. And it's so easy to forget His presence and power in the valley, but He has a way of reminding us.
We haven't made it completely out of the this valley yet, but I know we're on our way. And I know He will provide a way for us to use our time in the valley to help someone else go through theirs. I say all this to say....
I still believe.
I still believe there is hope.
I still believe He is changing hearts.
I still believe He is setting the captives free.
I still believe He has a plan, a plan for even me.
"For to this end we both labor and suffer reproach, because we trust in the living God, who is the Savior of all men, especially of those who believe."
1 Tim. 4:10