I have been wondering how I would start this blogging adventure, and I've been praying for the right words and subject. Tonight, The Lord answered that prayer.
I'm sure if you've gone to church for any length of time, you've probably heard someone speak on being Godly. I have multiple times, and it's even something my husband and I have spoken to our 9 y/o son about on several occasions. I can even say that for a good portion of the last six years or so, I've actually focused on this thought quite a bit. I've weaved it into my prayer and study life with God, and tried to apply it to how I make decisions or react in situations. Until recently (tonight, that is), I didn't realize how far away from this truth I'd gone.
I'd noticed I had been feeling a little emotional lately..not out of the ordinary for a woman, really. We all experience that, and I often chalk it up to just that, being a woman. Today, however, was different. I found myself in a true battle of the mind. My flesh was telling me how worthless I am as a wife, mother, friend, and employee. I thought of a million different ways that I was failing in all these areas. Our house is a mess, my husband doesn't feel supported, our son has a bad attitude, and I'm not efficient enough at work. The list went on and on. I retreated to the bedroom, thinking it was probably fatigue that was really getting to me. We have been busy for several weeks now, so it seemed like a viable cause to this war that was waging. Separating myself from the rest of the family only proved to make things worse as my mind continued to focus on all these things I was so obviously failing at. (Shocking, right?)
My husband came in to talk to me for awhile, gave me his best shot at a "pep talk," and I laid quietly on the bed as tears ran down my face. I knew the truth. I knew the lie. I couldn't decide yet which I wanted to hold onto in that very moment. I felt too weak to fight for the truth. Have you ever been there? You just KNOW it's going to take so much more than what you have to give. Right on cue, my husband replies to my silent thoughts, "It takes way more energy to hold onto it than it does to let it go." Ugh. Really?? How did he read my mind like that anyway?
I forced myself up and began getting ready as we were meeting friends for dinner. I knew it might do me some good to get out of the house and find something else...anything else..to think on. Dinner proved to be a good distraction, and I ended up having a pretty good time with our wonderful friends. Inside, I knew the war was still waging, but I had been able to put it off for a couple hours. It was only as we pulled into the driveway that I really began to see what was really going on.
We were having a discussion, okay..a one-sided discussion, with our son about his behavior at dinner. I became extremely agitated and stopped talking altogether once I realized it had nothing to do with his behavior at all. I was upset alright. I was upset with myself. We sent our son upstairs to get ready for bed, and we stayed downstairs to talk through it. It was obvious that something was bothering me (I don't hide my emotions well anyway). We began talking and it wasn't long before the tears were flowing again. What was wrong with me? This was NOT just because I'm a woman. Then it came out. Finally, I uttered the words. "It's my relationship with God."
Whoa. Even writing that hurts. It wasn't about the dishes being done, or our son's attitude, or even how bad I am at communicating with my husband sometimes. It was about my relationship with my Savior. Everything else would get better if I changed that one relationship. I realized how busy I had been and how I had let so many other things take away from my study time, my prayer time, and just time spent thanking God for my many blessings. I had begun to rely on my knowledge and my "history" with God instead of continually pursuing Him the way I once had. It had been a slow change, but a real one nonetheless. No wonder these things around me weren't going well. It comes as no shock that I couldn't make them better just by "trying harder." I was okay with being good, instead of Godly. I was beginning to see things with a world view rather than looking through the lens of His Word. It was becoming a very dark world, and I couldn't even figure out why.
I say all this to say: There is a difference between being good and being Godly. Being good isn't enough. It affects everything and everyone around you. Striving to live a life fully abandoned to Jesus is what it's all about. I'm thankful for the conviction, the forgiveness, and the redemption tonight. Blessed to be a child of the King and focused again on letting go and giving Him what He deserves..all of me.